Dear New York, Go Home. XOXO, Philly

So a couple of weeks ago, a friend and I stopped for some frozen yogurt at the new Yogorino near Rittenhouse square (highly recommended). As we walked and ate, we passed an alley where a crew was filming a movie. People were standing around at the end of the alley, trying to get a glimpse of the actors, and security was standing around mumbling into two-way radios. We stood there for a minute, just eating yogurt and checking out the scene for lack of anything better to do. Then the security person addressed the onlookers: “If you’re not part of the film, move along.”… “If you’re not an extra, you need to move on,” and barked some important-sounding commands into the radio.

Well, I had something to say about that, but checked my urge for the sake of my companion (who gets embarrassed when, for instance, I politely ask the drunk people screaming under my window at 3 am on a weeknight to please STFU).

Memo to the guy with the two-way radio: you’re not fucking Secret Service. The wellbeing of our great nation does not depend on whether somebody messes up the shot. And it’s easy to boss people around in Rittenhouse square, isn’t it? Try that shit twenty blocks to the north, south, or west and you’ll be lucky if you and your camera crews make it out with all your organs.
And for the record, I don’t care what you’re filming or what stars are hanging about. I happen to know that this flick stars Jack Nicholson, whom I’ve already chanced to see napping in the park. Frankly, unless you’ve got Johnny Depp walking around shirtless, I’m not trying to get up close. I’m just standing on a public sidewalk in the city where I live, work, and pay taxes, eating my yuppie yogurt before hopping back on the motorcycle.

That’s right—I pay my 4% city wage tax. It is my understanding that we, Philadelphia, are giving you tax breaks as an incentive to descend from New York into our humble city and shoot street scenes where you pretend it’s New York. Am I really supposed to believe this is generating income for my city? That you’re hiring local film crews? Please. This is Philadelphia, not fucking Borneo. It’s a short ride down the Jersey turnpike. Maybe you’re getting the crew buffet from local caterers, and perhaps your actors eat a few hundred dollars worth of overpriced appetizers from the latest Steven Starr “concept” on the park. Big fucking deal. This city is broke. If we can’t come up with the dough they’re going to close our libraries and cut the trash pickups to twice a month, because as I’m sure you’ve noticed, Philly isn’t quite filthy enough already. Tell Nicholson the next time he takes a nap in Rittenhouse Square, leave a tip for the people who mow it. And then get your condescending New York film crew off MY street.

And while I’m in rant mode, this “XOXO Philly” tourism ad campaign bothers me. I keep seeing this billboard on the expressway: “Dear Great Big World: We Miss Yous. Come see us soon!” (by the way, the brownnosers who made this ad up should know better: anyone using the word “yous” in a non-ironic, non-cutesy context doesn’t miss shit.) Come on, Philly! Stop that groveling. Wipe the cheez wiz off your face and stand up straight! We’re better than this! New York became the top tourist destination on the East Coast and they did it without any tourist-ass-kissing. New York taken as a whole is nasty, pretentious, overpriced, and disdainful of the peasants pouring in from the provinces, and the tourists lick it up and beg for more abuse. They love it. Oh please condescend to sneer at me, aspiring theatre actor/dancer/playwright sir, as you pour me another weak $18 martini! Meanwhile, Philly, the ugly stepsister, falls all over herself trying to please and gets nothing but indifference. Philly, have some respect for yourself! New York got its tourist money flowing steady by taking care of its shit. All it had to do was chase the hookers out of Times Square and go after petty criminals a la the “broken window theory.” Never mind that while Giuliani got tough on street crime, the greatest crime against American society since slavery was being perpetuated without breaking a single window, right in lower Manhattan under the nose of the SEC. And no, I don't mean Bernie Madoff. That was chump change compared to what the legitimate schemers made off with.

But let’s reconsider this whole endeavor, Philly. I’d love for us to get our shit together, but I’m not so sure we want to change our city's soul. Have you been to Times Square lately? It kind of makes me nostalgic for when it was the slimy underbelly of capitalism, instead of its gilded face. At least the whores and the XXX theatres were honest about what they were selling.

That’s not to say we don’t appreciate all the medallion-bedecked Jersey DB's who line up outside G lounge and contribute Axe hair gel fumes to Philly’s atmosphere, or the suburbanites who descend on South Street in their SUV’s every weekend, or the tourists riding red double decker buses around Old City. We most certainly appreciate your money. But seriously, can you just send a check?